Doing The Most…for my benefit

Today I decided that I wanted a change.  And the change I wanted had to come from me.  I decided that I could no longer blame others for the things I wanted and needed in my life.  I had to, at some point, hold myself accountable.  As much as I give to others by way of coaching and consulting services, I had begun to feel a little fraudulent.  For many on the outside looking in, my life is in order.  I pray for others and genuinely want happiness for them, I seem financially stable, my home life is full of laughter and love etc.  These are the types of things I hear from my peers and associates.  And I’m usually dumbfounded trying to figure out where they’ve formulated these opinions.

Most of what others see in me I find difficulty seeing for myself.  I’m pretty sure the reason is because acknowledging what others see means I actually have to step up to the plate.  Where I am now is NOT where I actually see myself in my head.  So today I decided to allow my fantasy me to meet my real me.  And the only way to make them both not seem crazy is to align them together as one.

Today I am taking the lead in my life.  I am beginning a life overhaul and I figure hey it’s the 1st..and I might as well pull off an entire month of this new attitude (pray for me people).  I’m planning on getting a grip on my finances, a new exercise regime, and even gonna try  kicking my beauty routine into high gear.  More importantly than any of that is my desire to fast this month.  When I fast, I often do so with a specific goal in mind.  I’m usually seeking spiritual clarity.  Sometimes I’m trying to fit into a too small sized outfit by the weekend LOL.  This time, however, will be a combination of things.  I’m almost always seeking spiritual guidance and I believe that fasting and prayer is a key way to get there.  Additionally, I’m gonna fast to kick start my weight loss goals.  By removing the toxins from my body both physically (by eliminating food) and spiritually (by praying) I’m hoping to align my spirit with my destiny and purpose.

My goal is to clear the junk so that I can be of better service in my purpose and mission of helping others.  I encourage you all to take some time this month to reflect, connect and inspire.  Reach for your goals..but don’t forget to look back And help another.

 

Love Ya

Chada

Choose Them Wisely

Choose Them Wisely
Have you ever wondered why your situation remained the same regardless of how much you tried to change it? It could very well be the things you are speaking regarding your situation that is hindering progress or change. Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. And what that means is simply, what you say has a direct relation to what happens to and for you. When you invite negative energy into your space unconsciously it can become quite difficult to realize you are the cause of it. We subconsciously sabotage our finances, our relationships, our professional careers and even our growth.

You hear it all the time.  OMG I’m so fat!  I am just as big as a house.  How helpful is that to a person’s self-esteem.  It isn’t very helpful at all.  Saying it once after eating the largest meal imaginable is one thing.  Repeating it over and over every time you walk past a mirror is definitely going to have some lasting effects.  It will eventually cause you to believe that you are fat.  You will see fat even when there is no fat. You want to know why?  Because you have fulfilled that prophecy in which you spoke.  You called into existence the very thing you didn’t want.  FAT! Or to be fat.  You have willfully chosen death over your life.  And not death in the literal sense.  Death of positive energy.  Death of positive thoughts.  And if left in this manner death of self-esteem.  Which can cause another set of issues, including isolation, depression and even..well death.

For years I used terminology that demeaned me and my existence. I was for most of my life a victim of sexual abuse. I allowed those thoughts and words to guide my life and everything in it. In fact it wasn’t just guiding my life but in a sense controlling my life. It wasn’t until I finally connected the dots of my words and thoughts with things manifesting in my life that I was able to change my lingo. I reclaimed my life when I went from victim to survivor. Just the mere thought of having survived the abuse gave me a feeling of accomplishment. So what had hindered that feeling years ago? Hadn’t I survived it, I was after all still alive. Surely I had survived it. However, in my heart I was still struggling. In my thoughts I was still struggling. Therefore my words and consequently my actions played out the scenes of my inner thoughts. I remember the first time I used survivor instead of victim. And I can remember the power I felt having said it. It was an awesome feeling. Power! That’s the same power God was speaking of in Proverbs. Our tongue is a very powerful vessel used to deliver messages that can either heal or hinder.

 

What are your words saying about you and your mindset?

 

Bad Girl

Ok…I kind of cheated and skipped a day in the 30 days of NaPoWriMo.  I really didn’t mean to but I was sooooo in my feelings yesterday that I couldn’t bring myself to post a poem.  I knew I would just drain all my energy by posting some sappy love poem.  I just didn’t want to bring my mood down any further.  But the show must go on…so this is the 2nd poem I am posting today to make up for yesterday..

Oh its kind of old but..who cares

Chicks hatin on me..duplicating my style..emulating me

Don’t let these Gucci shades fool you sista girl

These same shades hide the eyes that guides the path down to my soul

where you’ll find my own insecurities.

I used to pretend to be someone I was not

only not to be forgotten by the ones I admired so much

Now my eyes are open wide shut

while I sit blinded by the smoke that fills the room

that I sit in trying to find myself

by day I’m super mom, super employee, super sister and super friend

but by night, I’m super lonely

trying to sort through my problems within.

I hide behind my natural appearance.

The $4000 smile I wear plastered on a face that’s exfoliated daily

is only a facade

For if the face showed what the heart really felt

it wouldn’t be pretty at all.

so instead of you seeing the real me

I exude confidence

sporting my natural fro

my face holds a natural glow

and I’m juicy from my lips to my baby toe

And while Cash Rules Everything Around Me

I strut through the airport pulling my Gucci luggage

boarding a plane to an illusion.

I step outside myself to become someone else

as this saga continues..it gets more confusing

I watch you as you watch me

but your perception is unparallelled to my reality.

 

Chada Boom

July 18, 2005

 

This poem was written at a time when I was pretending..in all hindsight.  Many people (as they still do) don’t understand that despite the fact that I appear to have it all together, much of it is still a facade.  The true representation of me as a person…as a woman can only be evaluated with direct interactions with me.  The me you see as a passerby is not the ME my friends know.  Nor is it the same me you’ll see in our intimate moments.  I may look like I have it ALL together and ALL figured out but at the end of the day..I take my makeup off.  In the mornings I am no different….I put my panties on 1 leg at a time.  I get emotional.  I breakdown.  I laugh and cry (sometimes at the same damn time).  I fuss and (close your ears mom) cuss when I’m angry.  I speak with my hands when I am passionate about something.  If I love you..I mean LOVE you..LOVE you..then I love hard.  These are the ends and outs of me.  So don’t let one experience with me determine that you KNOW me.  Truthfully, I’m layered. 

Peace

 

 

Personal Reflection

My mind races towards a finish line my body may never catch up to

broken, battered, scared and confused

I’ve hidden my face in shame

banished my friends from my life

I became embarrassed by my pain.

I isolated myself, put the old me on a shelf

with my back turned

and my eyes closed

I began a fantasy, like reality tv

determined..not to expose the REAL me.

 

Chada Boom

September 21, 2011

This poem was written during a time in my life when I had experienced part of the worst relationships ever.  What had started out as a seemingly blissful union, over time had turned into something completely opposite.  I was lost and confused during this time.  I had hidden from those who loved me.  I didn’t want to be seen as this weak woman unable to control even her home life.  All this had done, though, was cause me not to have a sounding board.  I had banished my friends from my life, so of course when I needed a shoulder to cry on, they were not there.  I was alone.  And I relied heavily on writing poetry to get me through.  If you are going through the emotions and life just isn’t being fair, and you need a listening ear..feel free to drop me an email (chadaboom@gmail.com).  I know what it’s like. 

NaPoWriMo

Good morning.  Good morning.  Good morning.  What a beautiful day it is (well not weather wise where I am).  I’m awake and feeling free.  Free to be expressive and share my thoughts with all of you.  Check it out…and as usual feel free to comment. 

I’ve lived an eternity in your shadow

Hiding from the world

Afraid to be seen

Putting forth little effort

 I dare to be free

I dare to be me

Running from a strange past

towards a future filled with uncertainty

Running seems the best solution

Judgement cloudy

World still confusing.  

 

Chada Boom

 

GUESS WHAT!!?? It’s NaPoWriMo…

And ex-pe-al-i-do-cious to you too.  Well if the title confused you even the slightest bit that was kind of the point.  NaPoWriMo stands for National Poetry Writing Month…and this is happening all month long.  So while you get geared up to play your little April Fool’s Day pranks on unsuspecting folks, or while you prepare for the Easter season or (for those who are familiar) 4/20 Day…let us not forget about National Poetry Writing Month!!!!

I love poetry…I write poetry (although many don’t know that)…I read poetry…I attend venues where poets pour their lives out into the crowd.  I graduated from a school named after a famous poet.  I dream of poems.  I freestyle poems in the shower.  In the car.  In line at the grocery store.  What can I say…I JUST LOVE POETRY!!!!  So in light of NaPoWriMo I am going to (please help me!!) post a poem everyday for the month of April.  Most of the poems will be my own (and in the words of Eryka Badu…keep in mind I’m an artist..and I’m sensitive about my ish) but if you want in on the action send me an email (chadaboom@gmail.com) and I will try and post it.  And of course feel free to leave a comment. So with that said…check this out.

I used to twirl my hair

but, through school yard fences and storefront windows,

the twirl had attracted the eyes.

And to my surprise the twirl had been more than that.

The twirl had become the symbol of all things beyond my scope.

Shooting past my child-like comprehension into grownup worlds where a twirl is not just a twirl.

It is an expression of womanhood meant to only be displayed when boundaries are breaking.

But to me; it was just a twirl.

Perhaps spawned from the need to see beyond the fallen loc that covers my eyes when my head swivels.

To me..it was just a twirl.  Not the invitation it had become.

Just beyond the height of the day

in shorts the size of yesterday

while inhaling the sweet heat of the summer.

He had taken notice.

Face pressed against cold red brick.

Dirty hand covers face.

Stifles scream.

Too short shorts pulled forcefully to the side.

Raw wet mouth.  Innocence stolen.

There on the stoop, you stood…

twirling your locs.

Enticing me, arousing a fire deep.

Engulfed in a rage of fury I ravaged against you.

Oh Temptress

Darling Sweet.

Precious gem.  I watched you.

Twirl girl.  Twirl girl.

I cried,

he enjoyed his pleasure.

Written in the words he spewed.

Death creeping in my soul.

This mornings meal rest in my throat.

I was hot.  Made mute on purpose.

Prisoner. Trapped.

Bad juju vibe today.

Felt it while dressing in last years wear.

Body outgrew them long before now.

Tongue on face.

I die in this moment.

It is there, the ever present fallen loc.

A reminder of his desire.

Chada Boom

21 Dec 13

 

 

Are you a Villager?

We’ve all seen it.. the young mother with a gang of little ones following closely behind.  Noses running, improperly dressed for the weather, shoelaces untied and hair uncombed.  And she is usually by herself..making this a sadder sight to see.  Have you not seen this a dozen times on your daily travels?  I know I have.  I may even have made a snide judgmental remark a time or two.  None of which I am proud to admit.  Today, however was a bit different. 

On my first trip out the house this morning…somewhere between it’s too cold to be out here and OMG I could have slept for another few minutes, I saw this young (she looked younger than 30) mother toting 3 little children.  My initial thought was that of impatience as she was crossing the street and traffic had come to a halt (yes she was doing the good mommy thing and holding their hands).  I had had the opportunity to watch her for a few blocks and what I saw may have changed my perspective and my approach to this type of thing.

What I saw when I saw her, was lots of sleepless nights and potty training sessions that happened back to back, barely getting one child out of diapers before there’s another in them.  Many a “Mommy can I have..” or “Mommy he/she hit me”.. or worse, “Mommy, I’m sick.”  This young lady had that and more written on her face as she walked down the busy street with her 3 children (all properly dressed in winter coats w/hats and mittens…oh and no snotty noses) in tow.

As I watched her, 3 children, purse and tote bag barely staying on her shoulder, and balancing what I assume is her lunch plate, walk to meet and load the transportation van with her two school-aged children, I felt compelled to say something.  Heck, I wanted to DO something.  And I did.  I stopped and said to her “Ms., you are doing your thing.  Even if no one ever tells you, I see  you.”  Her response was a simple smile, and a humble thank you, followed by “I try.”

I wish I could’ve done more.  I watched her continue on her morning commute with the youngest of the 3 and I noticed her stride was a tad different.  Her head held a little higher.  And her smile a little brighter.  You could visibly see her appreciation for my words.  I didn’t offer her anything monetarily but what I gave her was encouragement.  And hope. 

I have never experienced walking my child to childcare or to school or catching the bus for that matter.  I have never experienced the desire to decompress at the happy hour spot but couldn’t because I didn’t have a sitter.  I haven’t seen the struggles of choosing between toiletries for the house or food or pampers or clothes for my child.  While I am responsible for the running of the house, carpooling, homeschooling and character building..I am not completely alone in my efforts.  I don’t know what it’s like to be the ONLY one doing it.  There was a time when I used to (and with foolish pride) brag about my status as a single mother.  No one in their right mind wants to be the ONLY one doing it ALL.  And when I realized that my villagers were just as active in the raising and rearing of my child as I am, I knew I could no longer refer to myself as a SINGLE MOTHER.  Yes I am his ONLY mother but I am not doing this job singularly.  I have help.  And I appreciate my villagers.

I say all of this to say.  All any of us want is to be acknowledged for all that we do.  We all want that little extra encouragement to help keep us forging through.  We all need villagers…others to help us along the way.  Be a blessing in someone’s life…BE A VILLAGER.

 

Just Gettin Started

Finally! It was a long time coming but I finally did it.  I created a blog.  I’m not quite sure what it is that I plan to blog about but…but umm I’ll think of something.  You just wait.  No seriously, you’ll have to wait..I’m still trying to figure this stuff out.  Check back in a few. (and I don’t know “a few” what..hours..days..could be a week or two.  just kidding)